45 Days of Magic: And now, we travel back in time, to when the Giants sucked (cue funky music)

Giants 3, Phillies 1. Wait. That can't be right. Hold on. Really? And then they...wow. Wait, Cody who?

Before I begin to write this email, hyperventilating the entire time (how long until first pitch? that long? how about now?) a message from our sponsor:

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FREAKING WORLD SERIES! ARE YOU CRAZY? WE STILL HAVE TO BEAT THE PHILLIES ONE MORE TIME AND THE CY YOUNG WINNER IS PITCHING TONIGHT FOLLOWED BY THE GUY WHO BEAT US LIKE 2 DAYS AGO FOLLOWED BY THE 2008 WORLD SERIES MVP. STOP. STOP. HAVE YOU STOPPED YET?

Ahem.

Last night was insane. LIke high-fiving strangers insane. Like 40,000 people coming out a park chanting "UUUUUU-RIBE! UUUUU-RIBE!" insane. LIke I almost took out my wallet and paid $15 for a shirt that said "The Freak is my Homeboy" insane.

"Buster Posey makes me question my sexual orientation just a little bit," says the gchat status of one friend.

A little bit?

4 hits. Two doubles. An amazing play at the plate to save a run. Buster Posey doesn't make me question my sexual orientation. He makes me question why I bothered to live before he became a Giant. Life without Buster? What did that even look like? And speaking of which...

We flash back to May.

Buster Posey was in AAA, playing for the Fresno Grizzlies.

His teammate was Madison Bumgarner.

Pat Burrell was on his couch, eating chips, and calling up old girlfriends asking if they were still single.

Andres Torres was riding the bench.

Cody Ross was a Marlin, hoping to beat out the Mets for 3rd place in the NL East.

Brian Wilson didn't have a beard.

Mike Fontenot was hiding in the tree outside Hogwarts.

Javier Lopez was striking out fools....for the Pirates.

If you had gathered them in a room, (hey! why are you kidnapping me and putting me in this room? Who is the weird dude with the toothpick in his mouth? Your name is Madison? Isn't that a girl's name? Ow! Stop poking me!) and said:

"Ok, listen. You're all going to play for the Giants this year, you're all going to be amazing, and you're going to take a 3-1 lead on the Phillies in the NLCS."

How would they have reacted? Laughter? Advice on how to acquire anti-psychotics?

But here we are. And we're here thanks to Buster and his 4 hits. Thanks to Santiago Casilla and Sergio Romo for manning up after giving up runs and not letting the game slip away. Thanks to Juan Uribe for jacking a pitch 2 inches off the ground and 4 feet outside and hitting it 300 feet to left field. You are so weird, Uribe. I don't understand you. But

I love you. And my favorite, thanks to Kung Fu Panda for finally getting his moment and once again becoming the "Round Mound of Pound." I don't think I've ever been as happy for a baseball player as I was for Pablo Sandoval when he stood out there on 2nd base after hitting his double. I'd say I've never been that happy for a millionaire but I don't think Pablo is a millionaire and even if he was, he undoubtedly already spent half his fortune on chimichangas.

Last night, before the bottom of the 9th, the scoreboard played a clip from the movie "Miracle". In the scene, the coach is addressing his players in the locker room.

"They are better," he said. "If we played them 10 times, they'd beat us 9 times. But not this time. Not tonight. Tonight is our night. You were born to play THIS game."

Freak. You are my homeboy. Bring us home.

Today's Poll Question

ADFL:SKDJFL:SKDJFL:KDJFL:KJD:FLKJL:!

A) I know! I know!

B) Breathe in....breathe out.....breathe in....

C) Is it 4:57 yet? How about now?

D) Still waiting for this ridiculous dream to end and for me to wake up and find out Giants finished 4th. Any minute now.....

44 Days of Magic: Cain plans to use the 1 run, store other 2 in his cheeks for winter

Giants 2, Phillies 1

Yesterday was strangely without torture. Sure, there was the top of the 7th when the Phillies got 2 on with 2 out and Victorino worked the count to 3-2. And Utley was on deck. But Javier Lopez was in the bullpen.

And Javier Lopez rocks.

My friend Marcus even accused Javier of not being a real Giants after his 1-2-3 8th inning. That inning, Marcus noted, had "an alarming lack of agonizing drama."

Yeah, go somewhere else to pitch, Lopez! Go somewhere where they like quick painless 8th innings! We don't want your kind here!

(psst. I was kidding. please don't leave. I love you.)

The Giants offense, meanwhile, was sizzling. Sure, we didn't get any base runners in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and went scoreless in the 6th, 7th, and 8th. But in the 4th we got TWO hits and ONE walk. And in the 5th we got ONE hit and one ERROR-HIT-THINGY. And here i thought Cole Hamels was a good pitcher. Guess not.

The Giants have now scored....wait for it...19 runs in 7 playoff games. They've allowed....18.

19

And they scored THREE for Matt Cain! For Cain-Daddy, that must have felt like christmas in October. Three runs is absurd. Ridiculous. Three runs. Please. He only needed half a run. Afterwards he went in the locker room and screamed at everyone for 30 minutes.

"If you did this every game, I'd have won the cy young instead of hippy boy over there! ME! ME! But no. Thanks for nothing."

It's true. Two years ago, Matt Cain had a 2.8 era for the season. His record was something like 7-39.

Fun facts about yesterday;

-Giants fans lined up behind the Fox sports booth to chant "Karros sucks! Karros sucks!" at "analyst" Eric Karros. That's what you get for being a Dodger.

-Tim McCarver spent approximately 3 innings talking about AJ Burnett. If the Giants somehow get lucky and the Rangers finish off the Yankes, Fox is going to weep at the prospect of a San Francisco - Texas world series. Because who wants to watch Tim Lincecum pitch to Josh Hamilton when you could watch Joba Chamberlain scratch his head.

-Tim McCarver spent the other 6 innings talking about Freddy Sanchez's bunting technique. Apparently if you put your bat in foul territory, you bunt the ball foul. But if you put it in fair territory, you can bunt it fair (this is actually true). The fact that Sanchez put his bat in exactly the same spot two pitches in a row and bunted one foul and then one fair is of no concern. Nothing to see here, folks. Just keep watching and be glad it's not Joe Morgan.

Of course, we have now reached the point of no return. The Giants are now far enough long that any talk of "just being happy to be here" is insanity. We have a 2-1 lead. We've beaten Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels. The bottom line is that if we lose this series, we are going to be devatstated. Allow me to analogize:

Let's say you are a single male. And you meet the most beautiful woman in the world. And the most incredible personality. And she likes baseball. And she's FUNNY. But enough about me. No, seriously, so you meet this woman. And you ask her out. She says no.

A) No big deal. You didnt expect her to say yes! You're you! You have spaghetti sauce on your shirt, you goober.

But then she changes her mind and says yes. And you go out. And have a great time! But then she says...no thanks to a 2nd date.

B) well, that sucked. That's like being in the wild card race and the Rockies beat you out by winning their final 37 games, all in their last at-bat.

Ok, but then there is a 2nd date and a 3rd date. And you start writing love poetry. And you change your screensaver from Aubrey Huff to her. And THEN she says "it's not you, it's...yeah, actually it's you. You're a goober. I'm going to date Eric Hinske."

C) Yeah, you're a goober. Somehow you got lucky and made the playoffs, but Eric Hinske hit a homerun and you lost. If you weren't a goober, she wouldn't have left you for Eric Hinske!

All this is to say that the appropriate analogy for blowing a 2-1 lead against the Phillies in the NLCS is that you propose to this woman, she says yes, and then sells the ring at a pawn shop to buy a plane ticket to Brazil to be with Alejandro, the dude who used to beat you up in 3rd grade before his parents moved back to Brazil to run the family gun business.

Don't do it to us now, Giants. Yesterday, we almost sorta gave you a ring. We said "we want to spend the rest of our life with you." We're standing here at the alter. We're wearing a clean suit (no spaghetti sauce!). Look! We did our hair up all nice!

Walk your torture-loving self down the aisle.

Please?

Today's Poll Question

Is Andy losing it a little?

A) I would say so

B) Edgar Renteria is batting leadoff, so apparently he's not the only one.

C) Did he ever "have it" to begin with?

D) He hasn't said "marmol" in a while...that's a positive sign.

Marmol.

42 Days of Magic: You mean we're not going to sweep the 2-time defending NL champs? Really?

Giants 1, Phillies 1

I have to be honest. Last night was probably the most distraught I've been at a Giants loss since this one on April 10:

http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2010_04_10_atlmlb_sfnmlb_1&mode=wrap

See, the Giants were 4-0 at the time, and I really expected them to go 162-0. When they lost a game, it was like my universe shattered. And don't get me started on all the horrible details of this game. Edgar Renteria went 0-5, dropping his average at the time to .524. Waldis Joaquin allowed 2 runs in relief. And the Braves "tweet volume" was much higher than ours in the top of the 7th. Dang.

What, you thought we were going to sweep the Phillies? C'mon. Last night was no big deal. It would have been fantastic if we had won, but there was no moment, not one, when I thought "we are going to win this game." My internal monolgue, from the time Fontenot made his Sandoval-esque error in the 1st to the last pitch of the game went like this:

"we're losing, we're losing, we're losing, HOLY CRAP CODY ROSS, YOU ARE AMAZ....oh wow, we're losing again. we're losing, we're losing, we're losing...."

The way I see it, this 7-game series is going to consist of 2 blowout Phillies wins and 5 one-run games. We "just" have to go 4-1 in the close games, and so far we're 1-0. That's fine.

And the Phillies, while recovering some of their swagger, have to be a little concerned that even their "blowout" win was 2-1 in the 7th inning, and that their first run was unearned and came without a hit, and their 2nd run came on a sac-fly.

Concerned not in the sense that they might lose, but in the sense that they have a lot more torture to enjoy before they can start thinking about the Yankees.

What I would do if I was Bruce Bochy

First of all, you got to play Sandoval. Will he be terrible? Probably. Terribler than Mike Fontenot? Maybe. But there's a chance he could jack a homerun. Fontenot hasn't hit a homerun since he was 14, when they let him play little league because nobody could tell he was too old (he hadn't yet become a werewolf).

this picture was taken BEFORE he grew his werewolf mutton chops. And he looks like a werewolf anyway. Scary.

Next, you have to bat Cody Ross directly after the Giant with the highest on-base pct in the playoffs. So that means....Cody Ross. We shoudl bat Cody Ross after Cody Ross. Do it, Boch.

Also there's the Andres Torres - Aaron Rowand debate. On the one hand, Andres Torres struck out 4 times yesterday and he bats BETTER lefty than righty, which is how he would bat against Cole Hamels in game 3. On the other hand,

Aaron Rowand is awful at baseball. So it's a tough call. I'd go with Willie Mays. Is he available?

Game 3 is going to be a big game, no doubt about it. It's a very good pitching matchup, the winner takes the lead in the series. I'm so glad Fox recognized this and put the game on at 1pm Pacific time. There goes 4 hours of vacation time that I was planning to use in December to lie around the house in my pajamas and drink hot chocolate and play scrabble. Screw you, Tim McCarver.

One thing in the Giants favor is that the Phillies will have to get used to hitting in our ballpark. Those homeruns they hit in Game 1? Long outs in SF. Rollin's 3-run double? A 0-run out. The 512 foot blast Mickey Mantle hit in Yankee Stadium back in the day? Nate Schierholtz catches that in his hat while juggling batting gloves in triples alley.

Matt Cain. Kick some butt, man. Maybe they'll score some runs for you. Maybe the bullpen won't blow it. Maybe the full moon will come out and Fontenot will eat Ryan Howard. Oh wait. The game is at 1pm. Never mind. Better not give up any runs.

Today's Poll Question

Who is your leadoff hitter Tuesday?

A) Andres Torres. A leadoff hitter should never, ever, make contact with the ball.

B) Aaron Rowand. See above.

C) Cody Ross. Why? Cody Ross. Cody Ross. Cody Ross.

D) KUNG FU PANDA!!!!

42 Days of Magic: Philadelphia: Welcome to Torture Land. Population Yous guys and also us

Giants 1, Phillies 0

I warned you, Phillies. Not warned in a cocky way. Not warned as in "I'm warning you, we're going to beat you." No, I warned you that previously you had been playing baseball and now you're going to have to play Giants baseball, which is like baseball but far, far, more likely to result in me hugging a pillow for comfort.

(That's where I was in the 8th and 9th, alternating between pillow-hugging and screaming obscenities at the home plate umpire whose idea of a strike is a ball that is swung at and missed.)

So Philadelphia! How does it feel? Not much fun, huh? Did you like the part where your outfielder ALMOST caught that fly ball but not quite? Or when our infielders TWICE missed getting an out because they double-clutched? Was this different from previous games you played in which lots of people hit the ball really hard and all your runs weren't scored on fluke homeruns that got carried on a jetstream and landed one row behind the wall? Ready for six more games of this? Because there will be six more games of this.

Just like how the Giants COULD have scored a bunch of runs in the 9th to break it open (bases loaded, 1 out), but didn't. The series COULD go less than 7 games, but.....nahhhh.

I have to say that my favorite part of writing this email/blog/rant thingy is that every time the Giants win a game, the number of "days of magic" goes up. Because the season goes longer. And it's pretty mixed feelings for me because
a) I love this team passionately, but
b) Watching this team play makes me want to throw up

I mean, let's take quotes from the stars of the Giants win tonight.

Cody Ross: When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rodeo clown. Those guys have no fear.
Brian Wilson: (upon being asked about his role by Jim Rome). I'm a mental assassin. Yeah...I'd say I nailed that question.
Tim Lincecum: (upon being asked what his reaction was to Wilson closing the game). I think I said f$%^ yeah!

Are they interesting, fun, cool people? yes! Do I like watching them play? Hell no!

Timmy's performance tonight was gutsy. He didn't have his best stuff. He couldn't throw sliders because of his finger. And the home plate umpire was so bad that he did the "strike-3 punch-out" motion on strike 2. But he hung in there, and one bad pitch to Werth aside, was awesome. What I love about Timmy is that his best inning is usually his last. In the top of the 7th, his spot came up in the order. He'd thrown over 100 pitches. he'd given up 2 runs the inning before. And yet there he was at the plate, flailing at Halladay's curveball like a....something. And then bottom of the 7th: three up, three down. Boom. Timmy has heart.

As for Cody Ross, I don't know what kind of voodoo devil pact he made with the Coyote God in the New Mexico desert back in his rodeo clown days, but I sure hope he sold enough of his soul to keep this up for another 13 games or so. You know, 6 more in this series. And then the first 7 games of spring training. That's what I meant. Don't try to argue with me about my meaning. I meant THAT.

So, just to recap, the Giants have played 5 playoff games so far. Every game has been a 1-run game. EVERY game.

C'mon Jonathan Sanchez. You can fix that tomorrow. Give up 15 runs in the 1st. We need a day off. The series is going 7 anyway, so what does it matter?

Today's Poll Question:
Did Brian Wilson totally nail that answer?
A) Yes. He was asked what his role on the team was, and he answered "mental assassin." That is accurate. As such, he did, in fact, nail that answer.
B) Pretty much. He could have thrown in "heart attack in a box" too.
C) Whenever Brian talks, I just smile and nod.
D) Who is he mentally assassinating? Me, Giants fan?

In-Game Text of the Night
From a Phillies fan:
"I'm hiding under my couch....(4 innings later)...Wow, we really need to vacuum down here."

41 Days of Magic: An NLCS Prediction

1 Day Until NLCS

Thank God we're playing the Phillies. I hear this a lot, actually. See, if we were playing a team worse than us, all sorts of horror would ensue. We would spend the series trying to figure out how we're going to blow it (ok, so Pablo will pinch hit and hit a homerun, but he'll miss 2nd AND 3rd base, and pass Bengie Molina who will come back to us in a trade because Buster Posey will have flown to Chile to rescue the miners, and then they'll bring in Romo and....). We would be nervous.

But the Phillies? I hear Giants fans saying unbearably dumb things like "I don't feel nervous because this is just bonus. We're not supposed to win so it's no big deal if we lose."

Yes. You say that now.

But then we'll take a 2-1 lead in game 1 going to the bottom of the 8th.

Or we'll take a 2-1 series lead.

And then if we blow it, you're not going to be heartbroken? Please.

No, I'm not happy we're playing the Phillies. I would rather play anybody else. But I'm trying to think positive. So, in that vein, this email is dedicated to reasons why I'm glad we're not playing the other 14 teams in the National League.

Yay! We're playing the Phillies and not these other chumps! I'm so excited!

Yay!

Ok, here we go.

Atlanta Braves:

We just played them. Did you enjoy that series? Was that fun? You want to do it again, but make it longer? Do you enjoy having Eric Hinske jump on your spleen? You want 3 more games of the Tomahawk Chop? Oh, you don't think it's that annoying? Ok. ooooooooo, oh, oh, oh. ooooooooo, oh, oh. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, oh, oh, oh. Ok, I think I made my point.

Florida Marlins:

We played them in the playoffs twice and both times ended pretty much horribly. In those two series', we played 7 games and lost 4 1-run games. The games in Florida would be attended by two elderly Miamians, Mervyn and Ethyl, and Mervyn would spend the entire time calling Cody Ross a "schmuck." Hanley Ramirez would hit 26 homeruns. They'd bring back Pudge. Oy.

New York Mets:

This would be way worse. This year, we lost back to back games to the Mets on walk-off homeruns by DIFFERENT catchers. Mets fans are generally obnoxious and the media would spend the entire time preparing for the Subway Series to follow. When we lost, and believe me, we would lose, you would want to poke your eyes out. And then they'd lose to the Yankees in like 4 and a half games.

Washington Nationals:

Without Strasberg, I admit they are pretty bad. But what if we LOST???

St. Louis Cardinals:

No thanks. I don't really want to play the Cardinals. Pujols...Carpenter, Wainwright, Garcia. 60,000 angry white people wearing red. Joe Buck would spend the entire time talking about how great the tradition is in St. Louis. What great tradition they have! Oh look, Albert Pujols scratched his nose! He did it with such reverance for the grand tradition of baseball!

Cincinnati Reds:

Hmmmm. This would actually be a good matchup for us. They can't pitch worth a crap. Damn, I wish they'd beaten the Phillies. Oh sorry, i'm supposed to think good thoughts. Chapman vs. Rowand. Chapman vs. Rowand. It'd be the baseball version of Baron Davis posterizing Kirilinko.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w_1ZEk4mds

Milwaukee Brewers:

Somehow this would end with Craig Counsell going 13-18 in the series with 15 runs scored. He's so scrappy! Their lack of pitching would only make our lack of hitting more painful.

Houston Astros:

George Bush Sr. Sitting behind home plate. With Barbara. Taunting us.

Chicago Cubs:

The worst. We'd actually be the team with the more recent world series victory which is crazy because we've never won a world series. Marmol would become dead to me.

Arizona Diamondbacks:

At some point, they'd strike out 22 times in a game and still win. Their fans will spend the first 6 innings chilling in the pool behind the right-field wall, not even watching the game, and then suddenly Kelly Johnson's HR ball will splash down and they'll all get excited and jump up and down for the television and you will hate life.

Colorado Rockies:

I'm getting a headache.

San Diego Padres:

I'm going to end this email right now. Who did I forget? Oh right.

Los Angeles Dodgers:

At some point, Tim McCarver would say "well, Matt Kemp may not have hit Rihanna, but he sure hit that Madison Bumgarner fastball!" and....ugh.

Hmmmm. Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah!

Pittsburgh Pirates??:

What if we lost???????????????

My PREDICTION FOR THE NLCS:

Ahem.

Coming up.

here it is:

TORTURE

Today's Poll Question:

What if we lost??? To the Pirates???

A) How did the Pirates get there in the first place?

B) That Parrot would go INSANE

C) Good for them! They haven't won a world series since 1979, whereas we won one...uhhh....never mind. Screw them and their stupid parrot.

D) It'd be like losing to the Phillies, minus the whole "dignity" thing.

41 Days of Magic: Giants vs. Phillies: A Statistical Comparison

2 Days Until NLCS

Are the Phillies really better than the Giants? I mean, isn't it difficult to say?

No, it is not difficult. The Phillies are better.

Or are they?

Yes, yes they are.

But regardless, let's do a comparison. For batters, we'll use OPS as the stat. It's not perfect, but better than, say, the grounded into a soul-crushing double play index (GISCDPI). I looked up that particular stat and found:

GISCDPI MAJOR LEAGUE LEADERS

1. Pablo Sandoval 865

2. Jose Guillen 564

3. Colby Rasmus 7

Yikes.

Alright, here we go:

Left Field: Pat Burrell (872) vs. Raul Ibanex (793)

Edge to the Giants. Pat Burrell also is the one more likely to say "hey...how YOU doing?" despite the fact that Raul's name is "Raul."

Center Field: Andres Torres (823) vs. Shane Victorino (756)

Giants again. I see no end to this trend of the Giants having better hitters than the Phillies.

Right Field: Cody Ross (735) vs. Jayson Werth (921)

Damn. They both kind of look like hippy monks, by the way.

Third Base: Pablo Sandoval (732) vs. Placido Polanco (726)

Hahahaha.. Pablo wins! Have you watched Pablo hit this year? And Polanco is worse? Let's compare strikeouts....let's see, Polanco struck out....hmmm. Never mind.

Shortstop: Juan Uribe (749) vs. Jimmy Rollins (694)

Um. Wow. Bad year, Jimmy. I think that's 4 out of 5 for the G-men.

2nd Base: Freddy Sanchez (739) vs. Chase Utley (832)

I thought we had that one...

1st Base: Aubrey Huff (891) vs. Ryan Howard (859)

Huff Daddy! We win again. This is weird.

Catcher: Buster Posey (862) vs. Carlos Ruiz (847)

But Carlos has never healed lepers.

And finally:

TOTAL RUNS SCORED:

Phillies 772

Giants 697

Where did our runs go? We have better hitters than the juggernaut Phillies at 6 of 8 positions, but we scored 80 less runs. Where did they go? Oh, right.

Damn.

Here's a sample inning for you, from the NLDS:

Torres singles (OPS 2000)

Sanchez singles (OPS 2000)

Huff strikes out (OPS 0)

Torres thrown out stealing

Posey walks (OPS 1000)

Burrell walks (OPS 1000)

Uribe strikes out (OPS 0)

Inning OPS: 1166

Runs Scored: 0

Or this one, from Game 1 of the NLDS:

Posey triples (4000)

Burrell strikes out (0)

Uribe walks (1000)

Sandoval GISCDP (0)

Inning OPS: 1500

Runs Scored: 0

So the answer to the question "why do the Phillies have a better offense than the Giants?" is:

Because we suck at life.

Or, I guess, because we strike out too much and hit into too many double-plays.

Some day, we'll have an inning like this:

Huff triples (4000)

Posey doubles, Huff holds at 3rd (3000)

Burrell singles, Huff holds at 3rd (2000)

Sandoval GISCTP (0)

Inning OPS: 2250

Runs Scored: 0

And finally, the Padres sample inning:

Venable reaches on error (0)

Venable steals 2nd

Eckstein grounds out to 2nd, Venable to 3rd (0)

Tejada reaches on catchers' interference (0)

Gonzalez walks (1000)

Ludwick hits sac fly (0)

Hairston Jr. reaches on fielder's choice/E6 (0)

Hairston III singles to pitcher (1000)

Hairston Sr. hit in head with pitch, remembers where he left dentures (1000)

Stairs strikes out, reaches 1st on catcher's error. (0)

Durango singles to shortstop, Hairston Jr, Hairston III, Hairston Sr. score on fielder's interference (1000)

Venable strikes out (0)

Inning OPS: 038

Runs Scored: 5

ok, one more. The Rockies!

Gonzalez triples to right (4000)

Tulowitzki homers to left (5000)

Helton singles to left (2000)

Gonzalez doubles to right (3000)

Tulowitzki triples to shorstop (4000)

Gonzalez homers to center (5000)

(Walk-off)

Today's Poll Question:

Which Philly hitter scares you the most?

A) Werth. Oh, you mean, like, during the game? I thought you meant like if you were sitting at home and it's raining and your'e alone and there's a knock on the door and you open it and there's a dude in a raincoat holding an axe. Definitely Werth. Definitely not Victorino. He would look hilarious in a raincoat. I'd probably laugh and tell him to come back after Jersey Shore is over.

B) Polanco. He is the most likely to hit the ball to Pablo.

C) Oswalt. He has that "i dont' know what the hell I'm doing up here oh look i hit a double" vibe

D) UtleyHowardWerthRollinsVictorinoIbanezRuiz. Can't we play the Braves again?

41 Days of Magic: Giants vs. Phillies, A Retrospective. Or, why numbers LIE

3 Days Until NLCS

Andy: Hey Jamie, want to hear a stat?

Jamie: What kind of stat?

Andy: A good stat, about the Giants and Phillies.

Jamie: No.

Andy: You sure?

Jamie: How good a stat is it?

Andy: Really good.

Jamie: Don't want to hear it.

I've infected my family with my weirdness.

The stat is meaningless, of course, as any stat that suggests the Giants might beat the Phillies is. There's really only one formula for a Giants series victory.

Game 1: Timmy allows 1 hit, Halladay allows 2 hits (both by Posey). After 47 innings, they call the game and the team with the most hits wins.

Game 2: Phillies win 3-0. Giants have chances to score runs for Matt Cain, but...nahhh. It's funnier to see how sad he gets when nobody scores any runs for him.

Game 3: Sanchez strikes out 24, Giants score a run off Cole Hamels when Jason Werth misplays a flyball in right field due to incoming seagull poop. Giants win 1-0

Game 4: Giants win due to having a superior 4th starter. Joe Blanton sucks. Bumgarner gives up 2 runs. Giants win 4-2.

Game 5: Timmy allows a solo homerun to Carlos Ruiz. Halladay throws perect game. Philies win 1-0

Game 6: Cain allows 7 unearned runs. Giants implode. Phillies win 7-0

Game 7: Sanchez strikes out 40. Cole Hamels allows Pat Burrell to hit a double, and then accidentally throws Juan Uribe a fastball. Giants win 2-0.

Any deviation from this plan will result in the Giants being swept.

But the stat IS really good. Insanely good. Only an insane person would hear this stat and not think: wow....the Giants could win this thing.

But if you don't think boxscores like this haven't made me insane, then you're not really reading these emails very closely.

Final		1		2		3		4		5		6		7		8		9		R		H		E
	San Diego	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	0	1	5	1
	San Francisco	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	1	3
WP: M. Latos (3-3) LP: J. Sanchez (2-3)

oooo, ooo, or my favorite:

Final		1		2		3		4		5		6		7		8		9		R		H		E
	LA Dodgers	0	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	1	1	0
	San Francisco	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	4	1
WP: C. Kershaw (12-10) LP: B. Zito (8-13)

Let's look back at the Giants vs. Phillies in 2010...

The first matchup was Jonathan Sanchez vs. Roy Halladay. We dropped 5 runs on Halladay and won 5-1. Ho hum. Eli Whiteside hit a homerun. Of course he did. I think that was homerun #1 for him. Later, he hit 0 more.

In game 2, Todd Wellemeyer defeated Jamie Moyer, which is hilarious, and not just because I just said the words "Todd Wellemeyer defeated..." Wait, actually that is the only reason it's hilarious.

In game 3, Timmy absolutely shut down the Phillies and led 4-1 with 2 outs and 1 on in the 9th. What happened after that was horrific, and the final score was Phillies 7, Giants 6, in 11 innings. Shoot me now.

In August, Roy Oswalt beat Barry Zito 9-3. Matt Cain got lit up by the Phillies, who started Joe Blanton just to give us a chance. But then Sanchez beat Hamels 5-2, and the "two" was the bullpen's fault.

I'm still not going to say the stat. You can't make me.

Lincecum, Cain and Sanchez together were 2-1 with a 1.98 ERA in four starts against the Phillies in 2010, and Halladay, Oswalt and Hamels were 1-5, 6.17 in seven starts against the Giants.

Ah! Who did that? Get out of my computer!

Besides, I don't believe that stat. Nobody has a 6.17 era against the Giants. The Padres had a 6.17 era against the Giants, but only if you shifted the decimal point five places to the left. See? That's TWO Padre references in this email, and they haven't even played baseball in like 10 days. I'm still not over them. When I go to sleep at night, I have nightmares about Clayton Richard throwing cutters to Pablo Sandoval. It's not normal or healthy or normal.

Ok, but how cool is this?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/cityinsider/detail?entry_id=74418

["Giants flag headed to Atlanta. Everybody hug."]

The scattered nature of this email is because my brain is scattered. I'm still not over the Padres, but apparently we're in the NLCS? Really? C'mon. No we're not. This is all a big joke. We're going to wake up tomorrow and find out it's the Cardinals in NLCS, or the Mets. Or the Rockies. Or they've cancelled the NLCS and just advanced the Phillies to face the Yankees so Fox can drool on itself.

Today's Poll Question:

Which aspect of the Phillies' pitching worries you the most?

A) The "pitching" part. We don't do well against "pitching."

B) The stupid nickname ("H2O" for Hamels, Halladay, Oswalt). Teams with stupid nicknames always beat us, dating back to the 2010 Padres who were nicknamed "LOL" for Latos, Orwell, LeBlanc. Wow, that was a bad joke.

C) Roy Halladay. The odds of throwing two no hitters in a row in the playoffs is slim, I know. But...ITS THE GIANTS

D) The bullpen? Sorry, I don't really watch baseball. Do the Phillies have a good bullpen? What? And his name is Brad? That's hilarious. Never mind. Is Moyer still around?