International Giants Week

I don't know if you heard, but SAN FRANCISCO GIANTS 2010 WORLD CHAMPIONS

I still can't believe we got past the Padres!!

It's incredible how this championship changes our mindset as Giants fans, and maybe even as people.

For instance....

It's Monday night. The Giants are champions. I'm watching tv like everyone else when the news flashes across the screen that the Giants victory parade will be Wednesday at 11am and will follow the route taken by the Giants when they arrived in San Francisco in 1958. My first reaction is that I want to go.

My second reaction is....wait. Somebody planned this parade before the Giants won the world series. SOMEBODY PLANNED THIS FREAKIN PARADE BEFORE THE WORLD SERIES WAS OVER.

I'm going to kill this person. I'm serious. I'm not joking. Somebody better hold me back, because I'm going to find this person and I'm going to get myself sent to Pelican Bay. How dare this person do that? How dare they! I'm going to stab them with an icepick, I'm not even joking.

But then it hit me. We won. It doesn't matter. It will never matter again.

Ha. Whew. Anyone need an icepick?

The parade was fun, and HUGE. My favorite part was the sense I got that the Giants players were truly overwhelmed by how big it was. And it makes sense, in part because they managed to clinch all 3 series' on the road. Jerks. Their celebrations were limited to a visiting clubhouse. Now they were partying with 1 million people and the depth of their accomplishment sunk in.

My second favorite part was Aubrey Huff yanking the rally thong out of this pants a la Zoolander.

My third favorite part was the entire crowd at civic center singing Don't Stop Believing, although they should have used the Giants version: "I had faith...and I had hope....and thankfully the Padres choked!"

Anyway, Gavin declared Nov 3 to be "Giants Day" in the city.

Buster Posey said "let's savor this for a month, and then get back to work and do it again" and then pounded the podium and walked off to huge cheers.

So the "Various Numbers of Days of Magic" blog is officially following suit.

This week (through next Monday), we will celebrate "International Giants Week" with its official seal below:

After which we will dive into the Giants offseason, which should be fun and much less angstful than before.

So celebrate, San Francisco. We did it. We finally, finally, finally didn't blow it.

1 Magical Year: The Giants Are Champions Of The World

2010 San Francisco Giants: WORLD CHAMPIONS

Marmol!!!!

How do you start writing this email? What begins it?

1989? 1993? 1997? 2000? 2001? 2002? 2003? 2004?

1962?

ESPN did a great job of correctly pointing out that this was not the first championship in 56 years for "The Giants". This was San Francisco's first world series championship EVER. The curse is over. The Rally Monkey is dead. The most incredible team of weirdos and creative peronalities and has-beens and bearded relievers has shocked everyone, including their own fans, and won the World Series.

I don't know if this makes sense to non-Giants fans, but I truly did not believe I would ever see the Giants win a world series. And I'm pretty young. So last night, when Brian Wilson struck out Nelson Cruz, an entire paradigm in my life shifted. Sports stopped being a source of pain that I stupidly kept turning to for entertainment and started being an inspirational source of excitement that has brought me closer to a lot of people in my life who fell in love with this team the way I did.

But this email will not be gushy. This email will be celebratory.

Ahem.

Unbelievable.

The season started with Tim Lincecum winning and Brian Wilson closing, and it ended that way.

We started the season by beating Roy Oswalt, and ended it by beating Cliff Lee.

At the half-way mark, we were 41-40. We finished 51-30, and then went 11-4 in the playoffs, incluing a 6-2 mark on the road.

We beat Cliff Lee twice, Roy Halladay, Roy Oswalt twice, Cole Hamels, Derek Lowe twice, Tim Hudson, and CJ Wilson. And Joe Blanton. WE BEAT JOE BLANTON.

I cannot write this email any better than by relaying the text messages I got last night, which began around the 7th inning:

"Dude, I'm trying not to get ahead of myself but I'm about to lose my mind."

"Oh."

"My."

"GOD!!!!!!" (Renteria)

"F$%^ Yeah! Sit down, Bengie!"

"I can't take this."

"3 more outs OMG"

"You could always watch Monday Night Football. Hey if they win will you root for the Bills this year....to win a game?!"

"MARMOL! CONGRATULATIONS!!"

"I will never forget this moment."

"Too much. Congrats, dude. Much love."

"Scott Speizi-who?"

"The hippies just (CENSORED) George Bush. This is a great day."

"Walking home - Irving St is shut down mobbed with people celebrating...I got sprayed with beer."

"What should we buy your great uncle Frank for Hannukah?"

Wait, that last one wasn't supposed to be in there.

Brian Wilson, interviewed after the game, said that he thought Renteria should be the series MVP. When told that he WAS the series MVP, Wilson responded "look at that, I'm an oracle."

You're an oracle. You're a (weird) prophet. You finished the division clinching win, the NLDS clinching win, the NLCS clinching win, and the World Series clinching win. I love you, Brian Wilson.

I can't write any more because I"m too jumbled and I have to go back to work since I'm taking tomorrow off to go to the parade.

I'll finish with one last text, sent by me.

My friend Julia, who is only 13, is probably the biggest Giants fan I know. Last night she texted me and said "my mom might let me go to the parade."

And I replied:

"I'm going to the parade. You're going to the parade. The Giants are champions of the world."

A Brian Wilson Quote for The Game Tonight

"I don't know what you're talking about," Wilson said when asked (if he puts shoe polish on his beard). "It's dark because we play a lot of day games. It's tanned. It's focused."

56 Days of Magic: Wherein Andy Beats KNBR With a Large Stick

Giants 3, Rangers 1

I woke up this morning feeling good. Madison Bumgarner had made the Texas offense look silly. Buster Posey and Aubrey Huff had hit long-overdue homeruns. None of my dogs had peed on my baby.

And then I turn on the radio, and the subject matter of the morning show was "should we root for the Giants to lose Game 5 so they can clinch at home?"

Are you freaking kidding me?

Hold still, KNBR. Stand right there. Now don't move. Ok, now who has a large stick?

Yesterday's game was low on the torture-meter, as was game 1 and game 2. All of which serves to lower our defenses, lull us into a false sense of security, and then........BAM.

Computer simulations probably give us a 90% shot of winning the world sereis at the stage. But it was a 98% chance in the 7th inning of Game 6 of the 2002 World series. This is not over. Do I really have to explain that to anybody with a pulse? Come on. It's the Giants. You think we're going to just run away with this thing?

Sigh.

Yesterday started off badly. First it was Puff Daddy, then Lyle Lovett, then Dubya throwing out the first pitch and not giving me any room to make fun of him because, damnit, he has a good arm. Then the Giants got a runner on 2nd with nobody out and couldn't score him and then Bumgarner walked the first guy on 4 pitches, 2 of which were right down the middle.

Well, then something funny happened...Bumgarner became super duper really super hugely good at pitching. The Rangers got one guy to 2nd base the entire game and by the time it was over, Laura Bush was yawning and Barbara Bush was knitting. I don't know WHAT that little Ron Washington midget kid was doing, but somebody really needs to call CPS.

So now here we are. 1 win away. More than anything, i'm struck by how unreal it feels. The Giants winning the world series? Huh?

I told some friends that today could be the 3rd best day of my life:

1. Wedding

2. Birth of child

3. Today??

4. First time I ever watched olympic curling on television

But then I remembered that day Collin threw a complete game shutout, which pushes Rachel back to #3. So really this will only be the 4th best day in the last 27 years which isn't that big a deal

(Psssst. Here's the secret real list

1. Today??

2. Complete game shutout

3. Curling

4. Birth of Rachel

5. The Play. I was negative 10 days old but if you believe that life begins at coneception than I was 8 monts old plus change...The band is on the field! The band is on the field!

6. Wedding

Dont' tell Jamie!)

Giants. Look at me, please.

You've got a lot going on.

At least 5 people in the Northeast were watching you on television last night. You've got more sucky ex-presidents in attendance than have been together in the same room at the same time since the last time Bush and Clinton filmed a commercial after some natural disaster in Bangladesh. Cliff Lee is pitching. They're going to put champagne on ice in your clubhouse and everytime Renteria goes down there between innings to drink unicorn blood to hide the fact that he's 567 years old, he's going to see it.

Bieber might show up.

So many distractions.

Hey, stop looking at Bieber.

Look at me.

Giants. Pay attention.

I need to tell you something.

Are you listening? Ok, you're ready? Ok.

ONE MORE WIN.

55 Days of Magic: I officially submit my application for participation in the American League West

Giants 2, Rangers 0

The Rangers bullpen is BAD. Oops, left the bold key on. But man...all this talk about how good the Texas offense is, and it turns out that they're only that good because they've been facing American League pitching all year. Yesterday the Rangers brought in one guy who coudln't throw a strike, another guy who has a 5.4 era, a third guy who has pitched in 10 games all season. They curiously didn't bring in the closer with the 2 era and the 100mph fastball. Which makes sense. Because the guys who got hits that inning, you know, Aaron Rowand, Edgar Renteria....those guys KILL100mph fastballs.

I think McCovey Chronicles said it best.

"When I think about the 2010 Giants, I think about homeruns by Edgar Renteria and 7-run rallies born of vigilant plate discipline."

But like I said, we've been facing National League pitchers all year. For all we know, if you stuck Renteria on the Royals, he hits .387 and hits 30 bombs. As such, I am officially applying to have the Giants play in the AL West next year.

Team Name: Giants!

Current Division: NL West.

Reason for wanting to switch: We have trouble hitting. Would like to face the Royals, Blue Jays, and Rangers more often.

Which teams in your current league would support your move: Not to sound cocky, but probably all of them.

What are you wearing? Excuse me?!?!?

Is that a fake beard? Maybe....

Now, does all this talk mean I think the Giants are going to win the world series? No.

Do we have a chance? I guess.

All it means is that hte last two days were insanely fun. After scoring 30 runs in 10 games, we scored 20 runs in 2 games. Nolan Ryan looked like he was ready to jump on the field and whip some a$$, and then pitch himself.

And now we go back to Texas, but with one very, very wonderful safety valve. For the first time in these playoffs, the Giants leave home and hit the road knowing that no matter what, they're coming home. When they left SF to go to Atlanta, I feared we'd never see them alive again. Same with heading to Philly for Game 6. And then each time they'd show up again, and yell "surprise!" and we'd wipe away our tears and hug them and then hit them and yell "don't DO that again! I mean it!" And they'd laugh and run away and go play with matches. Or something.

Moving on.

What can I say aout Matt Cain? I love when Matt Cain pitches to Buster Posey. It's like all the weirdness on the team is blocked out and suddenly it's these two southern guys. What are their conversations on the mound like vs. Buster's conversations with Timmy or Wilson?

Buster: What do you want to throw?

Timmy: F$%*#%##% don't worry about it. I'll throw a #$#(*($ changeup, man.

Buster: What do you want to throw?

Wilson: The Machine will throw whatever feels most Ninja. I'll let you know, buddy.

Buster: What do you want to throw?

Cain: Probably a curveball. Hey, we playing bridge Tuesday? Chelsea loves bridge.

Buster: Maybe. Touched By An Angel is on.

Uribe: Say what????

Cain: When did you get here?

But I digress.

I received some great texts last night. One from a non-Giants fan who confessed he is completely on the bandwagon despite the fact that he normally never does that. One that said "hey...they should bring in Zito...even he can't blow this." One that went off on Justin Bieber.

Taking those last two one at a time...

-How much does it suck to be Guillermo Mota's mom? Who's your son? Oh, he's the pitcher for the Giants. They dont' trust him to pitch unless they have a 9-run lead. If they have a 6-run lead, they're worried he'll give up 7 runs. But as soon as they get a 9-run lead, my little Guillermo runs down to that bullpen and warms up right away!

-But then again, how much does it suck to be Zito's mom? Who's your son? Oh, you know the guy on the Giants who pitches only if the Giants have a 9-run lead? Well, if he ever gets hurt....

-If Fox ever, EVER shows me another picture of Justin Bieber wearing a Giants hat, Rangers jacket, and apparently no shirt, I'm going to probably throw up on myself.

Last, you have to check out the McCovey Chronicles "Choose Your Own Path To The World Series". It's like a choose your own adventure book, you know, like "Fight the dragon, turn to page 24. Run away, turn to page 38" and then you turn to page 24 and it says "YOu got eaten! you're dead! The End."

Sample:

Draft a hitter! turn to page 108

No! Draft another pitcher! We need more pitchers! turn to page 123

and

Draft the catcher about whom the oracle as foretold turn to page 210

Draft that 1st baseman that that guy on that blog really likes turn to page 165

Brian Wilson Quoteable of the day

"This Twitter crap, I've obviously got to stop because people are taking it too serious. My aspect of that is I write a bunch of stuff that's not true. It's made up. Obviously I'm not doing things like going toe-to-toe with a ninja. Find me a ninja, for one."

55 Days of Magic: (Hey! 55! Timmy!!!!) Special Late at night Tearjerker Edition

Giants 2, Rangers 0

"First they ignore you
then they laugh at you
then they fight you
then you win."
-Ghandi

Tomorrow I'll have more about the game.

Tonight, I am sitting at my computer and arriving at a very simple conclusion: When this is over, I'm going to cry.

Obviously if they lose, I'm going to sob. What was my metaphor about your woman leaving you at the alter? We're way past that. Losing now would be so unbearably cruel, I can't even begin to imagine the horror.

But if they win, I'm going to cry too. For the same reason that this corny MLB ad video gives me goosebumps
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j-r6O-XKU9o

It's not just because I grew up playing catch with my dad, or that I started a family through little league, playing catch with Collin. It's...ok....stay with me here, I'm about to get weird:

It's the picture of Timmy as a little kid...he has no idea! Like baby Jesus to Christians, or little Barack to Democrats (used to be that way, anyway...). He has no idea. No idea that one day he's going to stand at the front of something incredible. That millions of people will see him as a symbol for a team that in its own way is a symbol for something even bigger.

Because the Giants are underdogs, sure, but they're more than that. They are, when you think about it, kind of a symbol of hope. That if things seem really dark, even for a really long time like, say, hypothetically, for 56 years or forever, depending on how you see it, that one day there will be light. Or that maybe searing pain...

http://www.baseball-reference.com/bullpen/2002_Angels
(oh god the picture!!!!!!!!!!!)

....is for a reason....that this team wouldn't have been THIS TEAM if the Giants had won in 2002. They'd be fun, but that's it.

No, I'm sorry, but I do not apologize for my goosebumps. We love Timmy not because he is a good pitcher, but because the combination of his spirit and his dominance are so rare. He doesn't take himself too seriously. He doesn't taunt people. He's sooooo West Coast. But more than that, he just seems like somebody who transcends what athletes are supposed to be like. It seems like he's having fun.

And he's leading the weirdest, most wonderful parade behind him, a crazy collection of panda hats, fake beards, baseball players nobody else wanted, and every weirdo who ever crawled out of Russian Hill, the Tenderloin, the Mission, or Twin Peaks. This parade is marching forward, pushing past baseball "experts", computer simulations, the media, the 2-time National League champions, until now, when it stands and faces the imposing brick wall of HISTORY.

History says no. History says teams like this don't win championships. History says people who are always heartbroken should stay heartbroken.

But as much as we love this team because they are so kid-like, we also love them because they are fearless. History doesn't scare them.

2 more wins.

2.

I think about Tim Lincecum starting high school at 4 foot 10 inches, and I get goosebumps. When I think about bringing this home, I don't think about any other Giants because even though Timmy is not exactly your standard "leader," he and he alone on this team has a certain aura about him...it says "give me the damn ball. I got this."

I can't wait to see him pitch one more time (oh shut up. we're not going to sweep and you know it). I want to think he dreamed this before he was even old enough to articulate what "this" is.

2 more wins.

This isn't going to be easy...history's not done screwing with us. But Baseball Gods, you better bring something more than just Cliff Lee and the "vaunted Ranger lineup." Because we have a bearded mental assassin, a Kung Fu Bench Panda, a bunch of rejects, and a scrawny kid with a magic arm.

You've got nothing but the status quo.

53 Days of Magic: Calm down. It was just Cliff Lee.

Giants 1, Rangers 0

First of all, I need to say that going to the World Series is FUN. I mean, if I had to choose between going to the World Series or playing Mario Kart for the Super Nintendo while eating tacos, I'd....well....how many tacos are we talking about here?

I really like tacos.

This city is going crazy, and I give props to the East Coast Media for actually running several stories that accurately gage just how baseball-crazy San Francisco is and how desperate we are for a title. Just one. One little title. And then maybe a 20 year dynasty. (Here's the pitch...Ross drives one! Deep! He grabs his walker! He's rounding the batter's box! He's heading for first!")

Before the game, I got upset because Fox Sports' computer simulator picked the Giants to lose in 6. What was upsetting, though, was that this prediction was based on two of the games ending with the Rangers scoring more than 10 runs. Please. When is the last time the Giants gave up more than 10 runs in one game? That's insane. And then I watched in shock as THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD vs. Big Time Timmy Jim descended into some sort of anarchy involving errors, hit batters, and dozens of base hits. And 18 runs. Weird.

THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD was pitching, they scored 7 runs....And we won.

And it wasn't close.

It's funny how I'm terrified we're going to blow every game we play and yet when I go to the games, I become some sort of trash-talking ego monster.

"Hey Clifford!" I yelled at one point. "The quicker you lose, the sooner you can go sell out and get paid by the Yankees!"

I called him Clifford because calling him THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD kinda makes the smack talk less impactful.

Well, he's no longer the THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. He's no longer even the best posteseson pitcher on the Texas Rangers. That would be Colby Lewis.

Here's the proof:

Texas Rangers 2010 Postseason Starting Pitching ERA Leaders

Colby Lewis 1.45

THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD: 2.51

Ah, Clifford. Like my wife, you are from Arkansas. Unlike my wife, your favorite day of the year is Nov 13 because it's the start of Deer Hunting season. (My wife's favorite is Nov 30, because it's my birthday). And now, instead of Bambi, this dude can haunt your dreams:

Freddy was incredible, hitting doubles to 4 different parts of the field, including right at Vlademir Guerrero, which was a proven Giants strategy all game. Vlad has as much business playing Right Field as I do playing Catcher at that level. ("hey! do you mind not throwing so hard?")

Of course, we couldn't just take a big lead and coast. We had to give up more runs. And there is defintiely a part of me (from my shins to my neck, I think) that thinks "oh crap. The Rangers could score 7 runs every game. We're not going to score 11 every game. That's a bad sign."

But here's the good news: Journey. I love Journey now. And the Fist Pump Cam. And the Carleton dance after the top of the 6th.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zbY5S75uBVY&feature=player_embedded

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eVSXBbZpzkQ&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyVdbfyvwso

And the guys selling t-shirts on 3rd street that say "Timmy's Dropping Bombs" and have pictures of bombs with the letter "F" on them falling on Atlanta, Philadelphia, and Dallas. Good role modeling by Timmy? No. But at least he swears as an expression of happiness, and not because he's angry or trying to intimidate somebody.

And the "Fear the Beard" sign on BART, or the BART "special announcement" that said "who says don't mess with Texas? GO GIANTS!"

And the signs plastered inside storefronts that say "ITS TORTURE...but we love it."

This team might be the most likeable group of professional athletes ever assembled. Dont' believe that, then go rewatch that Fist Pump Cam video and see Sergio Romo. Don't believe that, go watch Brian Wilson on the Jim Rome Show.

We're 3 wins from Destiny. We just beat THE GREATEST PLAYOFF PITCHER IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD. We're lighting an entire region of the country on fire.

I'd say the chances of us blowing this thing has gotta be down to maybe 86%.

And now, the newest feature of 53 Days of Magic: The Brian Wilson Quotable!

“I’d like to be a crossword clue one day,” Wilson said. “I want to be in The New York Times’s Sunday edition. Right now, the clue ‘Giants great’ is always Mel Ott. I want my clue to be down, not across. The down ones are usually harder. And when I’m the clue, I’ll fill it in — just that one — and frame it. How sweet would that be?”

52 Days of Magic: The Giants win the Pennant! In 2010! Yeah, THOSE Giants! I know!

SF Giants: National League Champions

Wow.

The Giants are going to the world series. This year. This team. Like starting Wednesday. And they're playing the Texas Rangers. And we have a black president. And wait...hold on....Arafat just rose from the grave and shook hands with Netanyahu...there's peace in Jerusalem. And also the Giants are going to the World Series.

After the first inning of Game 6, I really didn't think we would win. Let me rephrase. I thought we were going to lose by about 123 runs. I was already prepping myself for Game 7. What would I do when we lost Game 7? Maybe eat myself sick. Maybe cry like a baby. Maybe go for a walk. Maybe all 3. Maybe go for a walk and not come home until 4am, reeking of taco bell sauce, eyes all puffy, pants all muddy from dropping to my knees in the middle of the street and screaming "Why do you hate me???" to the Baseball Gods.

But then something weird happened. We scored 2 runs. We should have scored more. Watch this replay of Victorino's throw home. Watch what happens when it hits the mound. Then you will understand what kind of voodoo evil we're up against.

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=12899031

And then the game settled into the predictable torture-fest that we love so much. It wasn't Phillies baseball, it was Giants baseball. It was pretty awful, and then it became magical. Juan Uribe hit a homerun to the opposite field. You know how many of those he'd hit in the last FOUR years? Hint. Less than 1. And then the game became awful and torturous again, and then magical again only when Brian Wilson struck out Ryan Howard. Was it low, Ryan? Maybe. Should you have swung? Yes, you big goober. You should have swung. But you didn't. And now YOU have to listen to Tim McCarver too. Sucka.

I laughed when the Giants rallied in the top of the 9th. As though we were going to score more runs and break the game open. I also laughed when Brian Wilson came up to hit because he looks so damn goofy in that helmet.

http://mlb.mlb.com/video/play.jsp?content_id=12902369

Speaking of Brian Wilson:

This is his quote on Buster Posey:

“It’s the first time I’ve seen some absolute, unadulterated craziness out of that guy. I thought he was going to punch me and I was totally accepting of it. I was planning a reason to thank him if he did.”

It's hard to understate how excited this area is about the Giants right now. This team is so colorful, so completely random, and their ascent to this level was so unexpected. I thought we would beat the Braves, with the understanding that we'd probably blow it. I thought we'd lose to the Phillies. We didn't. We're in the World Series. And also we're in the World Series.

Least happy people about the Giants making the world series:

A) Charlie Manuel. Looked like he was going to cry in the post-game interview. 1 title in 3 years isn't enough? Come on.

B) George W. Bush. As one person put it, the bet between Bush and Gavin Newsom is now ON. If the Giants win it all, Texas has to legalize gay marriage. If the Rangers win, we have to allow everyone in the city to carry guns and start executing everyone with a cocaine conviction. Well, ALMOST everyone. Maybe not Ron Washington. Or George W. Bush. Or Josh Hamilton. Wow. Those Rangers are all crack heads.

C) All those Phillies fans near the Giants bullpen who called Jeremy Affeldt names because he kept warming up instead of running down to the infield to stand around and pretend to fight. Jeremy Affeldt has done more to end human trafficking than you have. And he has a better curveball. Sometimes.

What kind of torture can we expect in the world series?

A) the "Cliff lee is pitching 2 games so we better win 4 of the other 5" torture. Puts even more pressure on us. Then again, Tim LIncecum and Matt Cain are pitching 4 games. And Jonathan Sanchez is usually pretty good. And Bumgarner is less bad than whoever Texas has out there in game 4. Probably some guy named C.J. or Colby or Cliff. It's like we're facing the Harvard rowing team.

B) the "wow, Timmy just made a perfect pitch, Vlad Guerrero chased it out of the zone, and still hit it 478 feet" torture. The Rangers can HIT. Which makes every inning nervewracking. Not like the Braves series where we felt like an inning consisting of Rick ankiel, Eric Hinske, and Tim Hudson was an automatic 0. Oh wait.

C) The "we really should win this series, oh crap what if we make it this far and then lose??" torture. Losing to the Phillies would feel....reasonable. I really don't feel like we should lose now. Can we not lose please?

But for now, let's just not worry about these things. Let's just focus on the unbelievable joy of making the world series.

After all, we should heed the words of our fearless leader, The Bearded One.

Reporter: Brian, what's your message to all those fans back in San Francisco.

Wilson: Go ballistic. Go ballistic because tomorrow we're going to get on a plane and fly back and join you.

Pause.

Pause.

(Turns to face camera)

FACT.

Today's Poll Question:

World. Series.

A) Who, us? What?

B) I knew it all along. Hey! Why is my nose getting longer?

C) Don't! STop! BELIEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVING! (doing the Carleton dance)

D) So there's no game 7 in Philly? Ohthankgod.

45 Days of Magic: Why does it feel like we're losing? Oh right.

Giants 3, Phillies 2

Tim Lincecum out-pitched Roy Halladay yesterday. Absolutely no question. But we gave up some dumb runs, couldn't get clutch hits, and played bad defense. And we lost.

What, you thought this was going to be easy?

When we needed just one win against the Padres the last weekend, we lost two games before finally winning on the last day. When it looked like we had the Braves beat in game 2, we lost and put ourselves through two days of torture in Atlanta.

I'm not saying we're going to win, but I do believe that win or lose, it just wasn't going to be this easy. We're going to have to earn it.

Yesterday was just "weird".

It started when Roy Halladay seemed to stare down Pat Burrell after striking him out, and Burrell yelled "what the $%^^ are you looking at?"

Well, as it turned out, Halladay wasn't really looking at anything, according to him. Just looking. LIke a Canadian wandering through a large American city, oblivious to the fact that....wait....Halladay's actually Canadian, isnt' he? Hold on.

Dang. No, he's not. He's from Colorado. But his real name is Harry Leroy Halladay. That's pretty gooberish, to then go by "Roy".

Everywhere I go, Giants fans say things like "well, it's not over yet. we can still do it." And I nod in agreement because that FEELS right. But then I stop and say "wait...we're winning...."

Yeah, but it's the Giants!! And now we have to go to Philly. And we HAD that game, even if only for 2 glorious innings.

It's funny how this stuff works, though. Right now, I'm watching the Rangers hold a 4-run lead on the Yankees, 8 outs from the World Series. I'd rather be the Rangers than the Yankees, obviously, but...still....oh god, Craig Sager is wearing a purple shirt. And it's not even "wear purple" day.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that we've been here before, and it's not pretty. The last time the Giants took a 3-2 lead into Game 6 of a 7-game series, the worst game in Giants history followed:

(No, Andy, don't do this)
I have to. The people need to see this.
(No. Please. I just ate.)
Sorry. The truth must come out.

Game 6

Saturday, October 26, 2002 at Edison International Field of Anaheim in Anaheim, California

Team	1	2	3	4	5	6	7	8	9	R	H	E
San Francisco	0	0	0	0	3	1	1	0	0	5	8	1
Anaheim	0	0	0	0	0	0	3	3	X	6	10	1

Pitchers of record
WP:	Brendan Donnelly (1–0)	LP:	Tim Worrell (1–1)
Sv:	Troy Percival (2)
Home runs
ANA:	Scott Spiezio (1), Darin Erstad (1)	SF:	Shawon Dunston (1), Barry Bonds(4)

The last time before that was 1987, and Game 6 was the 2nd worst game in Giants history. We lost when our right fielder, who was named Candy, by the way, lost a fly ball in the lights. So I'm sorry if it feels like we're losing.

Hold on. Tim Worrell. I had forgotten about him. Oh man. I feel sick.

Oh God, why. Why did they bring him in? Nen could have gotten 6 outs. And Speizio. Forever known as Scott "$%#%#%" Speizio.

See? So what's going on now is the Phillies are going home, feeling OK. Not great. Not terrible. Still behind, still alive. And everytime they turn to look at the powerful rival that has thwarted them so far in this series, instead they see a bunch of grown men hiding in the corner, muttering about Brendan Donnelly and clawing insanely at their own eyes. Giants Baseball: A Therapist's dream.

I have no comments on pitching matchups or lineups or anything else. The Giants just need to win one game. Just one. They went to Atlanta demoralized and came home heroes. They CAN do it. Will they?

I'm not sure. I'm curled up in a ball tearing my hair out and muttering about Jose Cruz Jr. That's right, Phillies fans. That's what I'm doing. What the $%# are you looking at?

Today's Poll Question
Let's distract ourselves from impending torture. What's your least favorite NLCS commercial?
A) Man sitting in film room. Guy spits dart at him. Steals movies. Over, and over, and over again.
B) Man sitting in film room. Guy spits dart at him. Steals movies. Over, and over, and over again
C) I don't mind the commercials because Tim McCarver is not in them.
D) Glee Rocky Horror Picture Show.

45 Days of Magic: And now, we travel back in time, to when the Giants sucked (cue funky music)

Giants 3, Phillies 1. Wait. That can't be right. Hold on. Really? And then they...wow. Wait, Cody who?

Before I begin to write this email, hyperventilating the entire time (how long until first pitch? that long? how about now?) a message from our sponsor:

STOP TALKING ABOUT THE FREAKING WORLD SERIES! ARE YOU CRAZY? WE STILL HAVE TO BEAT THE PHILLIES ONE MORE TIME AND THE CY YOUNG WINNER IS PITCHING TONIGHT FOLLOWED BY THE GUY WHO BEAT US LIKE 2 DAYS AGO FOLLOWED BY THE 2008 WORLD SERIES MVP. STOP. STOP. HAVE YOU STOPPED YET?

Ahem.

Last night was insane. LIke high-fiving strangers insane. Like 40,000 people coming out a park chanting "UUUUUU-RIBE! UUUUU-RIBE!" insane. LIke I almost took out my wallet and paid $15 for a shirt that said "The Freak is my Homeboy" insane.

"Buster Posey makes me question my sexual orientation just a little bit," says the gchat status of one friend.

A little bit?

4 hits. Two doubles. An amazing play at the plate to save a run. Buster Posey doesn't make me question my sexual orientation. He makes me question why I bothered to live before he became a Giant. Life without Buster? What did that even look like? And speaking of which...

We flash back to May.

Buster Posey was in AAA, playing for the Fresno Grizzlies.

His teammate was Madison Bumgarner.

Pat Burrell was on his couch, eating chips, and calling up old girlfriends asking if they were still single.

Andres Torres was riding the bench.

Cody Ross was a Marlin, hoping to beat out the Mets for 3rd place in the NL East.

Brian Wilson didn't have a beard.

Mike Fontenot was hiding in the tree outside Hogwarts.

Javier Lopez was striking out fools....for the Pirates.

If you had gathered them in a room, (hey! why are you kidnapping me and putting me in this room? Who is the weird dude with the toothpick in his mouth? Your name is Madison? Isn't that a girl's name? Ow! Stop poking me!) and said:

"Ok, listen. You're all going to play for the Giants this year, you're all going to be amazing, and you're going to take a 3-1 lead on the Phillies in the NLCS."

How would they have reacted? Laughter? Advice on how to acquire anti-psychotics?

But here we are. And we're here thanks to Buster and his 4 hits. Thanks to Santiago Casilla and Sergio Romo for manning up after giving up runs and not letting the game slip away. Thanks to Juan Uribe for jacking a pitch 2 inches off the ground and 4 feet outside and hitting it 300 feet to left field. You are so weird, Uribe. I don't understand you. But

I love you. And my favorite, thanks to Kung Fu Panda for finally getting his moment and once again becoming the "Round Mound of Pound." I don't think I've ever been as happy for a baseball player as I was for Pablo Sandoval when he stood out there on 2nd base after hitting his double. I'd say I've never been that happy for a millionaire but I don't think Pablo is a millionaire and even if he was, he undoubtedly already spent half his fortune on chimichangas.

Last night, before the bottom of the 9th, the scoreboard played a clip from the movie "Miracle". In the scene, the coach is addressing his players in the locker room.

"They are better," he said. "If we played them 10 times, they'd beat us 9 times. But not this time. Not tonight. Tonight is our night. You were born to play THIS game."

Freak. You are my homeboy. Bring us home.

Today's Poll Question

ADFL:SKDJFL:SKDJFL:KDJFL:KJD:FLKJL:!

A) I know! I know!

B) Breathe in....breathe out.....breathe in....

C) Is it 4:57 yet? How about now?

D) Still waiting for this ridiculous dream to end and for me to wake up and find out Giants finished 4th. Any minute now.....

44 Days of Magic: Cain plans to use the 1 run, store other 2 in his cheeks for winter

Giants 2, Phillies 1

Yesterday was strangely without torture. Sure, there was the top of the 7th when the Phillies got 2 on with 2 out and Victorino worked the count to 3-2. And Utley was on deck. But Javier Lopez was in the bullpen.

And Javier Lopez rocks.

My friend Marcus even accused Javier of not being a real Giants after his 1-2-3 8th inning. That inning, Marcus noted, had "an alarming lack of agonizing drama."

Yeah, go somewhere else to pitch, Lopez! Go somewhere where they like quick painless 8th innings! We don't want your kind here!

(psst. I was kidding. please don't leave. I love you.)

The Giants offense, meanwhile, was sizzling. Sure, we didn't get any base runners in the 1st, 2nd, 3rd, and went scoreless in the 6th, 7th, and 8th. But in the 4th we got TWO hits and ONE walk. And in the 5th we got ONE hit and one ERROR-HIT-THINGY. And here i thought Cole Hamels was a good pitcher. Guess not.

The Giants have now scored....wait for it...19 runs in 7 playoff games. They've allowed....18.

19

And they scored THREE for Matt Cain! For Cain-Daddy, that must have felt like christmas in October. Three runs is absurd. Ridiculous. Three runs. Please. He only needed half a run. Afterwards he went in the locker room and screamed at everyone for 30 minutes.

"If you did this every game, I'd have won the cy young instead of hippy boy over there! ME! ME! But no. Thanks for nothing."

It's true. Two years ago, Matt Cain had a 2.8 era for the season. His record was something like 7-39.

Fun facts about yesterday;

-Giants fans lined up behind the Fox sports booth to chant "Karros sucks! Karros sucks!" at "analyst" Eric Karros. That's what you get for being a Dodger.

-Tim McCarver spent approximately 3 innings talking about AJ Burnett. If the Giants somehow get lucky and the Rangers finish off the Yankes, Fox is going to weep at the prospect of a San Francisco - Texas world series. Because who wants to watch Tim Lincecum pitch to Josh Hamilton when you could watch Joba Chamberlain scratch his head.

-Tim McCarver spent the other 6 innings talking about Freddy Sanchez's bunting technique. Apparently if you put your bat in foul territory, you bunt the ball foul. But if you put it in fair territory, you can bunt it fair (this is actually true). The fact that Sanchez put his bat in exactly the same spot two pitches in a row and bunted one foul and then one fair is of no concern. Nothing to see here, folks. Just keep watching and be glad it's not Joe Morgan.

Of course, we have now reached the point of no return. The Giants are now far enough long that any talk of "just being happy to be here" is insanity. We have a 2-1 lead. We've beaten Roy Halladay and Cole Hamels. The bottom line is that if we lose this series, we are going to be devatstated. Allow me to analogize:

Let's say you are a single male. And you meet the most beautiful woman in the world. And the most incredible personality. And she likes baseball. And she's FUNNY. But enough about me. No, seriously, so you meet this woman. And you ask her out. She says no.

A) No big deal. You didnt expect her to say yes! You're you! You have spaghetti sauce on your shirt, you goober.

But then she changes her mind and says yes. And you go out. And have a great time! But then she says...no thanks to a 2nd date.

B) well, that sucked. That's like being in the wild card race and the Rockies beat you out by winning their final 37 games, all in their last at-bat.

Ok, but then there is a 2nd date and a 3rd date. And you start writing love poetry. And you change your screensaver from Aubrey Huff to her. And THEN she says "it's not you, it's...yeah, actually it's you. You're a goober. I'm going to date Eric Hinske."

C) Yeah, you're a goober. Somehow you got lucky and made the playoffs, but Eric Hinske hit a homerun and you lost. If you weren't a goober, she wouldn't have left you for Eric Hinske!

All this is to say that the appropriate analogy for blowing a 2-1 lead against the Phillies in the NLCS is that you propose to this woman, she says yes, and then sells the ring at a pawn shop to buy a plane ticket to Brazil to be with Alejandro, the dude who used to beat you up in 3rd grade before his parents moved back to Brazil to run the family gun business.

Don't do it to us now, Giants. Yesterday, we almost sorta gave you a ring. We said "we want to spend the rest of our life with you." We're standing here at the alter. We're wearing a clean suit (no spaghetti sauce!). Look! We did our hair up all nice!

Walk your torture-loving self down the aisle.

Please?

Today's Poll Question

Is Andy losing it a little?

A) I would say so

B) Edgar Renteria is batting leadoff, so apparently he's not the only one.

C) Did he ever "have it" to begin with?

D) He hasn't said "marmol" in a while...that's a positive sign.

Marmol.

42 Days of Magic: You mean we're not going to sweep the 2-time defending NL champs? Really?

Giants 1, Phillies 1

I have to be honest. Last night was probably the most distraught I've been at a Giants loss since this one on April 10:

http://mlb.mlb.com/mlb/gameday/index.jsp?gid=2010_04_10_atlmlb_sfnmlb_1&mode=wrap

See, the Giants were 4-0 at the time, and I really expected them to go 162-0. When they lost a game, it was like my universe shattered. And don't get me started on all the horrible details of this game. Edgar Renteria went 0-5, dropping his average at the time to .524. Waldis Joaquin allowed 2 runs in relief. And the Braves "tweet volume" was much higher than ours in the top of the 7th. Dang.

What, you thought we were going to sweep the Phillies? C'mon. Last night was no big deal. It would have been fantastic if we had won, but there was no moment, not one, when I thought "we are going to win this game." My internal monolgue, from the time Fontenot made his Sandoval-esque error in the 1st to the last pitch of the game went like this:

"we're losing, we're losing, we're losing, HOLY CRAP CODY ROSS, YOU ARE AMAZ....oh wow, we're losing again. we're losing, we're losing, we're losing...."

The way I see it, this 7-game series is going to consist of 2 blowout Phillies wins and 5 one-run games. We "just" have to go 4-1 in the close games, and so far we're 1-0. That's fine.

And the Phillies, while recovering some of their swagger, have to be a little concerned that even their "blowout" win was 2-1 in the 7th inning, and that their first run was unearned and came without a hit, and their 2nd run came on a sac-fly.

Concerned not in the sense that they might lose, but in the sense that they have a lot more torture to enjoy before they can start thinking about the Yankees.

What I would do if I was Bruce Bochy

First of all, you got to play Sandoval. Will he be terrible? Probably. Terribler than Mike Fontenot? Maybe. But there's a chance he could jack a homerun. Fontenot hasn't hit a homerun since he was 14, when they let him play little league because nobody could tell he was too old (he hadn't yet become a werewolf).

this picture was taken BEFORE he grew his werewolf mutton chops. And he looks like a werewolf anyway. Scary.

Next, you have to bat Cody Ross directly after the Giant with the highest on-base pct in the playoffs. So that means....Cody Ross. We shoudl bat Cody Ross after Cody Ross. Do it, Boch.

Also there's the Andres Torres - Aaron Rowand debate. On the one hand, Andres Torres struck out 4 times yesterday and he bats BETTER lefty than righty, which is how he would bat against Cole Hamels in game 3. On the other hand,

Aaron Rowand is awful at baseball. So it's a tough call. I'd go with Willie Mays. Is he available?

Game 3 is going to be a big game, no doubt about it. It's a very good pitching matchup, the winner takes the lead in the series. I'm so glad Fox recognized this and put the game on at 1pm Pacific time. There goes 4 hours of vacation time that I was planning to use in December to lie around the house in my pajamas and drink hot chocolate and play scrabble. Screw you, Tim McCarver.

One thing in the Giants favor is that the Phillies will have to get used to hitting in our ballpark. Those homeruns they hit in Game 1? Long outs in SF. Rollin's 3-run double? A 0-run out. The 512 foot blast Mickey Mantle hit in Yankee Stadium back in the day? Nate Schierholtz catches that in his hat while juggling batting gloves in triples alley.

Matt Cain. Kick some butt, man. Maybe they'll score some runs for you. Maybe the bullpen won't blow it. Maybe the full moon will come out and Fontenot will eat Ryan Howard. Oh wait. The game is at 1pm. Never mind. Better not give up any runs.

Today's Poll Question

Who is your leadoff hitter Tuesday?

A) Andres Torres. A leadoff hitter should never, ever, make contact with the ball.

B) Aaron Rowand. See above.

C) Cody Ross. Why? Cody Ross. Cody Ross. Cody Ross.

D) KUNG FU PANDA!!!!

42 Days of Magic: Philadelphia: Welcome to Torture Land. Population Yous guys and also us

Giants 1, Phillies 0

I warned you, Phillies. Not warned in a cocky way. Not warned as in "I'm warning you, we're going to beat you." No, I warned you that previously you had been playing baseball and now you're going to have to play Giants baseball, which is like baseball but far, far, more likely to result in me hugging a pillow for comfort.

(That's where I was in the 8th and 9th, alternating between pillow-hugging and screaming obscenities at the home plate umpire whose idea of a strike is a ball that is swung at and missed.)

So Philadelphia! How does it feel? Not much fun, huh? Did you like the part where your outfielder ALMOST caught that fly ball but not quite? Or when our infielders TWICE missed getting an out because they double-clutched? Was this different from previous games you played in which lots of people hit the ball really hard and all your runs weren't scored on fluke homeruns that got carried on a jetstream and landed one row behind the wall? Ready for six more games of this? Because there will be six more games of this.

Just like how the Giants COULD have scored a bunch of runs in the 9th to break it open (bases loaded, 1 out), but didn't. The series COULD go less than 7 games, but.....nahhhh.

I have to say that my favorite part of writing this email/blog/rant thingy is that every time the Giants win a game, the number of "days of magic" goes up. Because the season goes longer. And it's pretty mixed feelings for me because
a) I love this team passionately, but
b) Watching this team play makes me want to throw up

I mean, let's take quotes from the stars of the Giants win tonight.

Cody Ross: When I was a kid, I wanted to be a rodeo clown. Those guys have no fear.
Brian Wilson: (upon being asked about his role by Jim Rome). I'm a mental assassin. Yeah...I'd say I nailed that question.
Tim Lincecum: (upon being asked what his reaction was to Wilson closing the game). I think I said f$%^ yeah!

Are they interesting, fun, cool people? yes! Do I like watching them play? Hell no!

Timmy's performance tonight was gutsy. He didn't have his best stuff. He couldn't throw sliders because of his finger. And the home plate umpire was so bad that he did the "strike-3 punch-out" motion on strike 2. But he hung in there, and one bad pitch to Werth aside, was awesome. What I love about Timmy is that his best inning is usually his last. In the top of the 7th, his spot came up in the order. He'd thrown over 100 pitches. he'd given up 2 runs the inning before. And yet there he was at the plate, flailing at Halladay's curveball like a....something. And then bottom of the 7th: three up, three down. Boom. Timmy has heart.

As for Cody Ross, I don't know what kind of voodoo devil pact he made with the Coyote God in the New Mexico desert back in his rodeo clown days, but I sure hope he sold enough of his soul to keep this up for another 13 games or so. You know, 6 more in this series. And then the first 7 games of spring training. That's what I meant. Don't try to argue with me about my meaning. I meant THAT.

So, just to recap, the Giants have played 5 playoff games so far. Every game has been a 1-run game. EVERY game.

C'mon Jonathan Sanchez. You can fix that tomorrow. Give up 15 runs in the 1st. We need a day off. The series is going 7 anyway, so what does it matter?

Today's Poll Question:
Did Brian Wilson totally nail that answer?
A) Yes. He was asked what his role on the team was, and he answered "mental assassin." That is accurate. As such, he did, in fact, nail that answer.
B) Pretty much. He could have thrown in "heart attack in a box" too.
C) Whenever Brian talks, I just smile and nod.
D) Who is he mentally assassinating? Me, Giants fan?

In-Game Text of the Night
From a Phillies fan:
"I'm hiding under my couch....(4 innings later)...Wow, we really need to vacuum down here."

41 Days of Magic: An NLCS Prediction

1 Day Until NLCS

Thank God we're playing the Phillies. I hear this a lot, actually. See, if we were playing a team worse than us, all sorts of horror would ensue. We would spend the series trying to figure out how we're going to blow it (ok, so Pablo will pinch hit and hit a homerun, but he'll miss 2nd AND 3rd base, and pass Bengie Molina who will come back to us in a trade because Buster Posey will have flown to Chile to rescue the miners, and then they'll bring in Romo and....). We would be nervous.

But the Phillies? I hear Giants fans saying unbearably dumb things like "I don't feel nervous because this is just bonus. We're not supposed to win so it's no big deal if we lose."

Yes. You say that now.

But then we'll take a 2-1 lead in game 1 going to the bottom of the 8th.

Or we'll take a 2-1 series lead.

And then if we blow it, you're not going to be heartbroken? Please.

No, I'm not happy we're playing the Phillies. I would rather play anybody else. But I'm trying to think positive. So, in that vein, this email is dedicated to reasons why I'm glad we're not playing the other 14 teams in the National League.

Yay! We're playing the Phillies and not these other chumps! I'm so excited!

Yay!

Ok, here we go.

Atlanta Braves:

We just played them. Did you enjoy that series? Was that fun? You want to do it again, but make it longer? Do you enjoy having Eric Hinske jump on your spleen? You want 3 more games of the Tomahawk Chop? Oh, you don't think it's that annoying? Ok. ooooooooo, oh, oh, oh. ooooooooo, oh, oh. OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, oh, oh, oh. Ok, I think I made my point.

Florida Marlins:

We played them in the playoffs twice and both times ended pretty much horribly. In those two series', we played 7 games and lost 4 1-run games. The games in Florida would be attended by two elderly Miamians, Mervyn and Ethyl, and Mervyn would spend the entire time calling Cody Ross a "schmuck." Hanley Ramirez would hit 26 homeruns. They'd bring back Pudge. Oy.

New York Mets:

This would be way worse. This year, we lost back to back games to the Mets on walk-off homeruns by DIFFERENT catchers. Mets fans are generally obnoxious and the media would spend the entire time preparing for the Subway Series to follow. When we lost, and believe me, we would lose, you would want to poke your eyes out. And then they'd lose to the Yankees in like 4 and a half games.

Washington Nationals:

Without Strasberg, I admit they are pretty bad. But what if we LOST???

St. Louis Cardinals:

No thanks. I don't really want to play the Cardinals. Pujols...Carpenter, Wainwright, Garcia. 60,000 angry white people wearing red. Joe Buck would spend the entire time talking about how great the tradition is in St. Louis. What great tradition they have! Oh look, Albert Pujols scratched his nose! He did it with such reverance for the grand tradition of baseball!

Cincinnati Reds:

Hmmmm. This would actually be a good matchup for us. They can't pitch worth a crap. Damn, I wish they'd beaten the Phillies. Oh sorry, i'm supposed to think good thoughts. Chapman vs. Rowand. Chapman vs. Rowand. It'd be the baseball version of Baron Davis posterizing Kirilinko.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8w_1ZEk4mds

Milwaukee Brewers:

Somehow this would end with Craig Counsell going 13-18 in the series with 15 runs scored. He's so scrappy! Their lack of pitching would only make our lack of hitting more painful.

Houston Astros:

George Bush Sr. Sitting behind home plate. With Barbara. Taunting us.

Chicago Cubs:

The worst. We'd actually be the team with the more recent world series victory which is crazy because we've never won a world series. Marmol would become dead to me.

Arizona Diamondbacks:

At some point, they'd strike out 22 times in a game and still win. Their fans will spend the first 6 innings chilling in the pool behind the right-field wall, not even watching the game, and then suddenly Kelly Johnson's HR ball will splash down and they'll all get excited and jump up and down for the television and you will hate life.

Colorado Rockies:

I'm getting a headache.

San Diego Padres:

I'm going to end this email right now. Who did I forget? Oh right.

Los Angeles Dodgers:

At some point, Tim McCarver would say "well, Matt Kemp may not have hit Rihanna, but he sure hit that Madison Bumgarner fastball!" and....ugh.

Hmmmm. Did I leave anyone out? Oh yeah!

Pittsburgh Pirates??:

What if we lost???????????????

My PREDICTION FOR THE NLCS:

Ahem.

Coming up.

here it is:

TORTURE

Today's Poll Question:

What if we lost??? To the Pirates???

A) How did the Pirates get there in the first place?

B) That Parrot would go INSANE

C) Good for them! They haven't won a world series since 1979, whereas we won one...uhhh....never mind. Screw them and their stupid parrot.

D) It'd be like losing to the Phillies, minus the whole "dignity" thing.

41 Days of Magic: Giants vs. Phillies: A Statistical Comparison

2 Days Until NLCS

Are the Phillies really better than the Giants? I mean, isn't it difficult to say?

No, it is not difficult. The Phillies are better.

Or are they?

Yes, yes they are.

But regardless, let's do a comparison. For batters, we'll use OPS as the stat. It's not perfect, but better than, say, the grounded into a soul-crushing double play index (GISCDPI). I looked up that particular stat and found:

GISCDPI MAJOR LEAGUE LEADERS

1. Pablo Sandoval 865

2. Jose Guillen 564

3. Colby Rasmus 7

Yikes.

Alright, here we go:

Left Field: Pat Burrell (872) vs. Raul Ibanex (793)

Edge to the Giants. Pat Burrell also is the one more likely to say "hey...how YOU doing?" despite the fact that Raul's name is "Raul."

Center Field: Andres Torres (823) vs. Shane Victorino (756)

Giants again. I see no end to this trend of the Giants having better hitters than the Phillies.

Right Field: Cody Ross (735) vs. Jayson Werth (921)

Damn. They both kind of look like hippy monks, by the way.

Third Base: Pablo Sandoval (732) vs. Placido Polanco (726)

Hahahaha.. Pablo wins! Have you watched Pablo hit this year? And Polanco is worse? Let's compare strikeouts....let's see, Polanco struck out....hmmm. Never mind.

Shortstop: Juan Uribe (749) vs. Jimmy Rollins (694)

Um. Wow. Bad year, Jimmy. I think that's 4 out of 5 for the G-men.

2nd Base: Freddy Sanchez (739) vs. Chase Utley (832)

I thought we had that one...

1st Base: Aubrey Huff (891) vs. Ryan Howard (859)

Huff Daddy! We win again. This is weird.

Catcher: Buster Posey (862) vs. Carlos Ruiz (847)

But Carlos has never healed lepers.

And finally:

TOTAL RUNS SCORED:

Phillies 772

Giants 697

Where did our runs go? We have better hitters than the juggernaut Phillies at 6 of 8 positions, but we scored 80 less runs. Where did they go? Oh, right.

Damn.

Here's a sample inning for you, from the NLDS:

Torres singles (OPS 2000)

Sanchez singles (OPS 2000)

Huff strikes out (OPS 0)

Torres thrown out stealing

Posey walks (OPS 1000)

Burrell walks (OPS 1000)

Uribe strikes out (OPS 0)

Inning OPS: 1166

Runs Scored: 0

Or this one, from Game 1 of the NLDS:

Posey triples (4000)

Burrell strikes out (0)

Uribe walks (1000)

Sandoval GISCDP (0)

Inning OPS: 1500

Runs Scored: 0

So the answer to the question "why do the Phillies have a better offense than the Giants?" is:

Because we suck at life.

Or, I guess, because we strike out too much and hit into too many double-plays.

Some day, we'll have an inning like this:

Huff triples (4000)

Posey doubles, Huff holds at 3rd (3000)

Burrell singles, Huff holds at 3rd (2000)

Sandoval GISCTP (0)

Inning OPS: 2250

Runs Scored: 0

And finally, the Padres sample inning:

Venable reaches on error (0)

Venable steals 2nd

Eckstein grounds out to 2nd, Venable to 3rd (0)

Tejada reaches on catchers' interference (0)

Gonzalez walks (1000)

Ludwick hits sac fly (0)

Hairston Jr. reaches on fielder's choice/E6 (0)

Hairston III singles to pitcher (1000)

Hairston Sr. hit in head with pitch, remembers where he left dentures (1000)

Stairs strikes out, reaches 1st on catcher's error. (0)

Durango singles to shortstop, Hairston Jr, Hairston III, Hairston Sr. score on fielder's interference (1000)

Venable strikes out (0)

Inning OPS: 038

Runs Scored: 5

ok, one more. The Rockies!

Gonzalez triples to right (4000)

Tulowitzki homers to left (5000)

Helton singles to left (2000)

Gonzalez doubles to right (3000)

Tulowitzki triples to shorstop (4000)

Gonzalez homers to center (5000)

(Walk-off)

Today's Poll Question:

Which Philly hitter scares you the most?

A) Werth. Oh, you mean, like, during the game? I thought you meant like if you were sitting at home and it's raining and your'e alone and there's a knock on the door and you open it and there's a dude in a raincoat holding an axe. Definitely Werth. Definitely not Victorino. He would look hilarious in a raincoat. I'd probably laugh and tell him to come back after Jersey Shore is over.

B) Polanco. He is the most likely to hit the ball to Pablo.

C) Oswalt. He has that "i dont' know what the hell I'm doing up here oh look i hit a double" vibe

D) UtleyHowardWerthRollinsVictorinoIbanezRuiz. Can't we play the Braves again?

41 Days of Magic: Giants vs. Phillies, A Retrospective. Or, why numbers LIE

3 Days Until NLCS

Andy: Hey Jamie, want to hear a stat?

Jamie: What kind of stat?

Andy: A good stat, about the Giants and Phillies.

Jamie: No.

Andy: You sure?

Jamie: How good a stat is it?

Andy: Really good.

Jamie: Don't want to hear it.

I've infected my family with my weirdness.

The stat is meaningless, of course, as any stat that suggests the Giants might beat the Phillies is. There's really only one formula for a Giants series victory.

Game 1: Timmy allows 1 hit, Halladay allows 2 hits (both by Posey). After 47 innings, they call the game and the team with the most hits wins.

Game 2: Phillies win 3-0. Giants have chances to score runs for Matt Cain, but...nahhh. It's funnier to see how sad he gets when nobody scores any runs for him.

Game 3: Sanchez strikes out 24, Giants score a run off Cole Hamels when Jason Werth misplays a flyball in right field due to incoming seagull poop. Giants win 1-0

Game 4: Giants win due to having a superior 4th starter. Joe Blanton sucks. Bumgarner gives up 2 runs. Giants win 4-2.

Game 5: Timmy allows a solo homerun to Carlos Ruiz. Halladay throws perect game. Philies win 1-0

Game 6: Cain allows 7 unearned runs. Giants implode. Phillies win 7-0

Game 7: Sanchez strikes out 40. Cole Hamels allows Pat Burrell to hit a double, and then accidentally throws Juan Uribe a fastball. Giants win 2-0.

Any deviation from this plan will result in the Giants being swept.

But the stat IS really good. Insanely good. Only an insane person would hear this stat and not think: wow....the Giants could win this thing.

But if you don't think boxscores like this haven't made me insane, then you're not really reading these emails very closely.

Final		1		2		3		4		5		6		7		8		9		R		H		E
	San Diego	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	0	1	5	1
	San Francisco	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	1	3
WP: M. Latos (3-3) LP: J. Sanchez (2-3)

oooo, ooo, or my favorite:

Final		1		2		3		4		5		6		7		8		9		R		H		E
	LA Dodgers	0	0	0	0	0	1	0	0	0	1	1	0
	San Francisco	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	0	4	1
WP: C. Kershaw (12-10) LP: B. Zito (8-13)

Let's look back at the Giants vs. Phillies in 2010...

The first matchup was Jonathan Sanchez vs. Roy Halladay. We dropped 5 runs on Halladay and won 5-1. Ho hum. Eli Whiteside hit a homerun. Of course he did. I think that was homerun #1 for him. Later, he hit 0 more.

In game 2, Todd Wellemeyer defeated Jamie Moyer, which is hilarious, and not just because I just said the words "Todd Wellemeyer defeated..." Wait, actually that is the only reason it's hilarious.

In game 3, Timmy absolutely shut down the Phillies and led 4-1 with 2 outs and 1 on in the 9th. What happened after that was horrific, and the final score was Phillies 7, Giants 6, in 11 innings. Shoot me now.

In August, Roy Oswalt beat Barry Zito 9-3. Matt Cain got lit up by the Phillies, who started Joe Blanton just to give us a chance. But then Sanchez beat Hamels 5-2, and the "two" was the bullpen's fault.

I'm still not going to say the stat. You can't make me.

Lincecum, Cain and Sanchez together were 2-1 with a 1.98 ERA in four starts against the Phillies in 2010, and Halladay, Oswalt and Hamels were 1-5, 6.17 in seven starts against the Giants.

Ah! Who did that? Get out of my computer!

Besides, I don't believe that stat. Nobody has a 6.17 era against the Giants. The Padres had a 6.17 era against the Giants, but only if you shifted the decimal point five places to the left. See? That's TWO Padre references in this email, and they haven't even played baseball in like 10 days. I'm still not over them. When I go to sleep at night, I have nightmares about Clayton Richard throwing cutters to Pablo Sandoval. It's not normal or healthy or normal.

Ok, but how cool is this?

http://www.sfgate.com/cgi-bin/blogs/cityinsider/detail?entry_id=74418

["Giants flag headed to Atlanta. Everybody hug."]

The scattered nature of this email is because my brain is scattered. I'm still not over the Padres, but apparently we're in the NLCS? Really? C'mon. No we're not. This is all a big joke. We're going to wake up tomorrow and find out it's the Cardinals in NLCS, or the Mets. Or the Rockies. Or they've cancelled the NLCS and just advanced the Phillies to face the Yankees so Fox can drool on itself.

Today's Poll Question:

Which aspect of the Phillies' pitching worries you the most?

A) The "pitching" part. We don't do well against "pitching."

B) The stupid nickname ("H2O" for Hamels, Halladay, Oswalt). Teams with stupid nicknames always beat us, dating back to the 2010 Padres who were nicknamed "LOL" for Latos, Orwell, LeBlanc. Wow, that was a bad joke.

C) Roy Halladay. The odds of throwing two no hitters in a row in the playoffs is slim, I know. But...ITS THE GIANTS

D) The bullpen? Sorry, I don't really watch baseball. Do the Phillies have a good bullpen? What? And his name is Brad? That's hilarious. Never mind. Is Moyer still around?